Friends, Family and Loved Ones of <Insert name of deceased.>
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a sad occasion only for those of us here today.
The deceased sheds no tears for us on this day.
I am about to tell you exactly why this truth is so.
There is no God, Devil, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, or whomever.
Unless, you seriously believe in such an individual;
In which case, your respective deity will be waiting for you upon your demise.
There is no Heaven, Hell, Valhalla, Elysium Field, or wherever.
Unless, of course, you seriously believe in such a destination;
In which case, you really won’t be surprised when it’s exactly as you expected.
Know these simple truths as well, gentle, living listeners:
You will not be haunting anywhere or anything. There is no “other” side.
<Be certain to make air quotes when reading the previous line.>
Your deceased pets are not waiting for you–anywhere.
There is no river to cross. There is no ferryman to tip.
It does not matter if you are buried, cremated, launched into space, or hurled into the sea.
If your death has lasted that long, you are not coming back to life.
You will not be reincarnated. You cannot be channeled.
You will not hover above your own lifeless body for any amount of time.
Once you are dead, you will not care about the thing you used to live in.
These are all lessons to be learned at our own funerals.
Today, we should all, at the very least, learn the smallest lessons:
Stay in touch with friends and family–tactility is tantamount to affection.
Be thoughtful and considerate of others’ emotions.
Being neighborly should be your only commandment.
Celebrate life.
Choose your cliché.
Don’t just say it today. Live it.
Starting right now–
<Breathe.>
but we both know you won’t.
So, if nothing else, believe me about the ferryman.
PRORADER
Powered by
We use cookies to analyze website traffic and optimize your website experience. By accepting our use of cookies, your data will be aggregated with all other user data.