“I will beat a man to death with a granola bar.”
“See what happens when you’re nice and not a total poop head?”
“Who’s got an iPhone 11? I’m gonna poop on it.”
“I relish in your sweet, sweet suffering.”
“I turn into a pumpkin at 8:30.”
“Sunday, we’ll have an InQuizitive barbecue at my house.”
“If you need a fancy white guy to mouthpiece you, I’m your man.”
“Man, I want some onion rings.”
“On a scale of one to Rader, how angry does the essay make you?”
“Which Spice Girl are you going as? Don’t go as Baby Spice. I’m already going as her.”
“How can I kill you before class if you don’t come to my office before class?”
“I would like to pet a rhinoceros. No…I would like to have a pet rhinoceros. They put out fires, you know.”
“You guys, I am actually a slob!”
“Who’s panic are you?”
“I do crack myself up.”
“If I am your role model, you are a liberal arts student. And you need psychiatric help.”
“They don’t call me the Lemon Rader for nothing… Nobody calls me that.”
“I’m here for you. I live for you.”
“You learn a couple of things when you are posing as Professor Rader.”
“Glad that you’re comfortable in your Barbie skin, ‘Quan.’”
“How have I not had a stroke yet? My hatred for my students keeps my cholesterol in check.”
“You’re smarter than an average doorknob.”
“You should have been using it (Grammarly) the whole semester! Which is why I’m yelling!”
“I would eat a vegan.”
“You throw a bag of Cheetos at a stoner, you’ve got an hour to get away.”
“If there’s enough tequila, I’ll get naked anywhere.”
“If somebody comes in here and you don’t really like them, just jump them and tie them up. We’ll pass judgment when I get back.”
“If you can’t name any of their songs, I don’t want to see you wearing that shirt in my class again!”
“Are you ordering my sandwich yet?”
“Which of you is dressing as me for Halloween? I’ve got extra vests and ties.”
“I’d have to get a second job just to pay off my own swear jar.”
“You know what I hate about vegans? Their meat is stringy, gets stuck in your teeth.”
“I will not hesitate to punch a high school teacher in the throat.”
“If you have subtitles, why do we all have to listen to it?”
“First name, Poop. Last name, Head. Poop. Head.”
“I’m surprised at how many of you showed up today. I’m glad you came. It gives me warm and fuzzy feelings inside. Like maybe I’ll go murder a student from another class instead of one of you guys.”
“You know he’s a Russian spy, right? That’s why I’m here. I’m a CIA agent posing as Rader to keep an eye on him.”
“Bye, Poopie.”
“If you come at me, I’ll kill you.”
“Kill a person, feed it to the hogs, you’re done.”
A student enters the classroom: “You again…”
“You know what this is? A milkshake made from the bone marrow of the last dumbass student who said that.”
“This is why child abuse is a thing. Because you force people to beat their children.”
When discussing the characters found in the book American Gods: “This is my brother, Mad Sweeney. They call me, Mad Rader.”
Rader explains that students will encounter many religions: “I don’t care what your faith is, because I am god.”
Student, John, attempts to speak for longer than Rader: “Listen, John, only one of us is getting paid to talk tonight.”
“Oh my god, he baptized the whole planet!”
“I am a celebrity; it is a curse.”
“If you’re missing class, it better be because you’re bringing me dinner.”
When discussing the rules of the classroom: “Class etiquette, don’t be more disruptive than I am.”
Rader details the literary conflict Character vs. Self: “It is a struggle for me not to bathe the walls in your (students) blood.”
“You guys don’t even know how easy it is to make a skin suit.”
“I’m not just an English instructor, I’m a cult leader.”
Rader explains why class is to end early: “I get sick of looking at young people. You’re all so fabulous and beautiful. Looking at you makes me angry.”
A consistent form of farewell: “Be magical, make magic.”
Rader impersonates his colleagues: “No, Rader! Less kill, more love.”
When teaching about Gallows Humor: “Is that funny? Hell, yeah it’s funny. It’s a whoopie cushion on an electric chair.”
“Is your grammar good? Could it be gooder?”
“Go back, make sure that your grammar isn’t a big steaming pile of poop.”
“Bagels are not a cereal!”
During class discussion on what qualifies as a sandwich: “I think what we should do is ask the sandwich what it identifies as.”
(See the above): “If I put a piece of bread on my head, and stand on a piece, I am a sandwich!”
“Crybaby little poopy head.”
“You can’t spit in the face of destiny like that!”
In response to a student’s call: “Yes, little poo?”
“I’ve turned myself into a communion wafer.”
Rader explains that he is not racist: “All of you are black to me.”
“Another professor asked me, ‘Rader, how do you motivate your students?’ I threaten them with physical violence.”
Rader describes speaking to other teachers about student head counts: “How long is the waiting list for your class? I put asses in seats!”
When reminiscing about teaching high schoolers: “I taught a classroom full of RaeQuans. You either get it, or you stab me.”
Discussing religions: “We don’t know what the penguins worship.”
When viewing example jokes for an assignment: “Get it? They’re doing it. It’s a joke about doing it.”
(See the above): “I think a grilled cheese going to law school is humorous in and of itself.”
While telling the story of pitching the class to his superior: “English After Dark means you get sauuucy Rader.”
Discussing the character of Bilquis in American Gods: “Let me rephrase that. It’s gonna get freaky, and then you gonna die.”
While discussing an epigraph: “It’s foreshadowing about Shadow. Foreshadowing squared!”
When speaking to one of the younger students in class: “You’re fifteen? Man, you must only get every eighth word I say.”
Rader impersonates the students: “No, we just looked past it, Rader. We don’t care about words.”
When discussing forms of war sacrifices: “If you guys came in here with heads on sticks, I would cry like a mom!”
Rader explains the universally understood blanket of protection: “No monster can penetrate the blanket!”
Rader explains that every location has its own mythos: “We even have our own god—Florida Man.”
In response to a student saying, ‘I have a question.’: “Yeah, it’s my real hair.”
After viewing Bilquis’ ‘consumption’ in the American Gods tv show: “Look at that skin now, boy.”
A student stereotypes leprechauns as being short: “Oh my god! Can you hear this heightism!”
Rader expresses his disapproval of certain students cutting and pasting a link as a citation: “You think, ‘I’ll just cut and paste the link.’ Ya poopheads.”
After a student points out there is no quiz for Chapter Eight: “You guys aren’t worthy of a chapter eight quiz.”
Following an argument on whether or not Rader is a leprechaun: “It might be insulting to a leprechaun. Not that I would know, according to James.”
In response to a male student stating his grilling qualities: “Every man says that, ‘I can grill!’”
Rader impersonates his other ENC 1102 class: “Oh my god, Rader’s right, Green Eggs and Ham is the Bible.”
During a class break:
When discussing the qualities of a fiddle contest: “No self-respecting Satan would enter a fiddle contest.”
In response to a student unimpressed by Laura from American Gods: “What the Hell else do you need? She LOVES him!”
Rader speaking to one of the students about the American Gods tv show: “Your mom won’t let you stay, there’s nudity in this show.”
After a student explains they are unsure whether Rader is complimenting them or using sarcasm: “Just because it’s sarcasm doesn’t make it any less praise.”
Rader on claiming a classroom: “I already marked it by pooping in the corner.”
After student, Hunter, receives a sick burn from another student carrying fruit pies: “Ooh! Who’s the fruit pie now, Hunter!”
After a student walks into the classroom with a foot cast: “You done did had a big plastic foot.”
When discussing hidden antagonists:
After interrupting a student during their presentation: “I’m sorry, please continue, Diamond. Actually, I’m not sorry, I’m gonna do it again.”
After a student asks, ‘If you’re a leprechaun, where’s your green?’: “It’s in my blood.”
Rader discusses St. Patrick’s Day: “Being a leprechaun named Patrick just infuriates me.”
Rader describes Cadbury Eggs: “It’s like snot in a chocolate eggshell.”
When discussing the motivations of Wednesday from American Gods: “What are Odin’s motivations? To be great again? Make Odin great again. MOGA.”
Discussing the character of Shadow from American Gods: “Shadow is a giant wussy boy, with no backbone.”
When student, Hunter, asks Rader for help: “No, Hunter. You suffer.”
Rader delegates a question from one student to another student: “Use small words, she’s not that bright.”
In response to a student complaining about the homework: “It’s fun for me to watch you guys squirm and suffer.”
After one student received a wicked burn from another student: “Oh dude, she just smoked you like a Vienna sausage.”
Following a heated, in-class political argument: “Y’all signed up thinking you were going to actually learn something in this class, ya idiots.”
Student: “Thank you.”
“You know the rules, Saray. You just have to name all your kids after me.”
PRORADER
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